Updated: Sep 2, 2021
Podcast 256-Dr Caroline Leaf: How to stop sabotaging yourself and relationships.
Some valuable tips on ‘dissolving conflicts’ with your partner:
A mindset shift is essential if you are going go forward in your relationship in a more positive and rewarding way. The first mind shift is to acknowledge that you are both responsible for 100% of your 50% in the relationship.
View conflict as an essential part of the growth of your relationship. Conflict is a positive thing and it is a vital way to deepen intimacy in your relationship.
Conflict is a way of holding two ‘truths’ at the same time without making one person ‘right’ and the other ‘wrong’. Conflict embraces change and makes you more resilient as you both grow in different ways. It is imperative to respect the other person’s growth.
Before you look at your partner to resolve conflicting issues you need to first be integrated so that you can ‘dissolve’ conflicting issues.
Your relationship should be a ‘container’ not a ‘prison’. One needs to allow for the boundaries to keep expanding for freedom of expression without judgement of the other person. One needs to learn how to ‘tune in’ to your partner and the key is to learn to ‘LISTEN’ with an open mind and be willing to allow your partner to express himself/herself without interruption, justification or counter aggression.
One needs a ‘soft start-up’ and a ‘soft finish’ resolution between both parties-the use of words is of ultimate importance. Delete starting with:’ you did this’ and rather use soft expressions such as: ’When you treat me.....it makes me feel...’ Address the actions not the person as it puts them in a defensive mode encouraging them to justify and then attack you.
Be vulnerable and transparent-this will encourage your partner to do the same.
Be humble and be FULLY PRESENT-listen with all of your senses. It shows a deep form of respect for your loved one.
Create a safe space to discuss what you are unhappy with. Start the conversation with what IS good in the relationship and don’t just focus on all unmet needs. Don’t focus on the ‘content’ of the issue-it is actually the unmet emotional needs that need to be addressed. For example: If your partner doesn’t compliment you; it is your need to feel appreciated and loved that needs to be aired. Look at and discuss the patterns you both enter into during a conflict (when you do this, it makes me withdraw which makes you angry....) Find different ways to deal with the pattern triggers.
Look at what the triggers are (internal and external) that makes you react to your partner in a negative way. Peter Crone (a world renown Personal Mastery Coach for top performers) quotes: "Life has a way of presenting people and circumstances to reveal where you are not free". When your partner does or says something that triggers a negative emotion from you, ask yourself:' What is it in me that still needs to heal?’ Then do the inner work (letting go breathing technique, meditations, gratitude’s, journal writing)
Gratitude’s: before you have a conflict resolution meeting; it is incredibly
Come from a perspective of CURIOSITY and not judgement-we all have different filters from which we view life. Try and see what your partner is experiencing and why they are behaving in a certain way.
Regulate your emotional state before you have the confrontation-do the letting go breathing technique and the 6 straw breaths. Visualise your outcome and ask what is your intention and what outcome do you desire.
"You will lose everything you place your worth in; to remind you it doesn’t live there."
- Mark Groves -
Ponder on what this means to you.
The following questions will reveal where you need to work on your perspective on ‘dissolving’ conflict in your relationship:
> Is anything permanent in life?
> What is the difference between ‘attachment’ and ‘detachment’?
> Which things do you need to detach yourself from? (flattery, having your own way?)
> In which areas are you attached to your outcome in a relationship?
> What would happen if you didn’t get what you want?
> Would you allow yourself to still be content?
> How do you seek wholeness in your relationship?
> How can you grow in conflict in your relationships?
> What are your expectations in your relationship that aren’t being met?
> What can you do about them?
> In which ways can you change your perception about the issues of contention?
Thought to consider: "Be the person you want your partner to be."